Jay Brannan

THIS BLOG HAS MOVED

2012-02-14T02:30:00.002-05:00

my blog will henceforth be hosted on my new website!

the entire archive (in it's most current state as of this posting) has been moved there & all future posting can be found there

thank you & see you at jaybrannan.com!

things i dream about.

2012-02-04T01:58:00.003-05:00

(only on a personal level. obvious things like world peace & cures for homelessness, starvation, and disease need not be mentioned, because...duh, of course.)

1. a queen sized bed
2. health insurance
3. a desk
4. a couch
5. a chair
6. a bathtub
7. a relationship
8. gummi bears
9. a manager
10. a european agent
10.5 a new laptop with no masking tape on it
13. the desert

Lana Del Jay

2012-02-03T12:33:00.002-05:00

i went there.

"Video Games"

the most important thing

2012-02-02T00:51:00.002-05:00

at the end of the day, i just love singing.

i'm looking forward to getting back on the road (and in the air) to start doing shows again.

and i cant wait for people to hear this new collection of recorded songs. i have put so much into this album. it's 10 songs, yet so much fucking more. and i'm really proud of it.

new album track list!

2012-01-30T17:13:00.006-05:00

for those of you who haven't seen it yet, here's the cover art & track listing for my new album "Rob Me Blind", available March 27!

you can pre-order on iTunes, Amazon, or jaybrannanstore.com!

my website has deluxe fan packages with signed CDs, canvas posters, even lip balm! the first edition of the album is a numbered, limited edition with an extended 24-page booklet and a FREE BONUS live album download "Live at Eddie's Attic"!

so. excited.

1. Everywhere There's Statues

2. Beautifully

3. The Spanglish Song

4. Rob Me Blind

5. Greatest Hits

6. La La La

7. Denmark

8. Myth of Happiness

9. The State of Music

10. A Love Story

lana del rey

2012-01-16T02:17:00.011-05:00

i know you'll never see this, but in the wake of your introduction to the U.S. market, and all the attacks circulating the internet, i want you to know i support you.

i'm really intrigued by the stuff you're doing so far. it's interesting & complex, but not in the usual assault-our-senses-over-the-top sort of way employed by most modern pop singers.

and regardless of how you or anyone may feel about your live performance on SNL, i don't really think it was any better or worse than what a huge majority of successful singers do live. at least you were making sounds with your vocal chords, and not just moving your lips to some overloaded backing track. that's more than a lot of people can say.

the "born to die" video is exquisite. i love it. and video games & blue jeans are really alluring songs.

i don't know the story of how lizzy became lana, but let's just speculate (this could be completely false, but for the sake of argument) that maybe you didn't completely like parts of lizzy, and lana is the person you wanted to become. people tell me all the time that if i don't like certain things about myself, i should just change them. i personally don't believe EVERYTHING in life is a choice, i think that's wildly oversimplifying. yes you can take certain actions to modify or improve or work on certain things, but i don't think you can just CHOOSE the way everything is or turns out in life, including parts of yourself. but if Lana is the person you want to be, and you are taking steps to become her, then you are very likely just following the advice of many of the people who will criticize you for doing exactly what they said you should. of course, those types of people aren't generally dimensional enough to even see that. all they ever do is talk out of alternating sides of their mouth as it serves them best in any given moment.

maybe you've developed a look & a persona for yourself, your life, your art... i don't know. but i can tell from your music that there is something authentic & dark going on underneath the lips and the nails and the hair, and i personally find it intriguing. i look forward to checking out your album, and i hope you don't let this cruel condescending world destroy you.

from what i've seen thus far, i'd pick you over a fuckload of platinum-selling artists.

ugh

2012-01-16T00:01:00.001-05:00

walking down the street to CVS at night is like running the fucking gauntlet.

i tense up my whole body, clutching my clasped hands to the center of my chest, and do my best to avoid touching all the rats, mice, trash bags, and dogs on the leashes of their rude owners.

the things i go through for a midnight pack of skittles.

my xmas song is available!!

2011-11-22T01:47:00.006-05:00

omg i'm so excited for you to hear it.

my new christmas single "Dear Santa" is finally up on iTunes, and you desperately need it for your upcoming holiday season. (don't you?)

search it by name or start with my iTunes link, which should work worldwide: http://itunes.com/jaybrannan

you can also get it from other digital retailers, so just check whichever site is your fave!

i want to thank the amazing incredible David Kahne for producing, and the talented Pedro Fanti for the fucking amazing digital artwork:

finally the great folks at Nettwerk came up with this little lyric video for you to enjoy, so you can preview the entire song!! (and no it's not my hand doing the writing haha)

if you like it, please be sure to tell all your friends!! :)

"happy" holidays.

jay

NEW SONG from my upcoming album!

2011-10-11T15:28:00.005-04:00

in an effort to get the ball rolling on the release of my new album, i have decided to share with you the first single......RIGHT NOW!!

please share it with everyone you know!! :)

if for any reason, youtube doesn't work in your country, it's also up on vimeo.

thanks so much for your patience, and i really hope you love the new song & all the stuff to come!!

america the selfish

2011-07-12T16:16:00.000-04:00

dear god,

please let america stop being so selfish & give its people access to doctors.

including those who try to make lives for themselves outside of the corporate slave system.

please?

why do we act like we cant afford to take care of our own people, yet we declare expensive wars on other countries every time we get a chance?

help me understand.

gratitude.

2011-07-12T02:27:00.000-04:00

im so grateful for the amazing opportunities ive had in the past 5 years. life is extremely uncomfortable & difficult but - sometimes - the impossible happens. i can testify to that.

my favorite ani lyric of all time

2011-07-11T00:17:00.001-04:00

some girl says "thank you for saying all the things i never do"

you know the thanks i get is to take all the shit for you

it's nice that you listen, it'd be nice if you joined in

if you keep playing their game, girl, you're never gonna win

scary animatronic world

2011-07-09T13:26:00.002-04:00

why are honesty & authenticity always dismissed and feared as "negativity"?

can we all relax a little and try not to be so stepford?

my will

2011-06-16T20:02:00.003-04:00

hey

so i'm on a flight right now as i type this (yes ladies & gentlemen, there is wifi in the air now), and the flight is so turbulent that i'm not convinced the plane will make it to the ground in one piece (it *IS* United Airlines, after all. they break guitars.).

so since i have no last will and testament, i would like to request that my lawyer and producer and label all be super nice to each other, and go ahead and release my new album.

please do your best to make people focus on my music and not on the fact that i was a gay guy, and please make sure that i get at least as much post-mortem exposure as Selena.

i'd prefer if you don't allow my songs to be re-mixed for the dance floor, but if you feel like it will make you super-rich, i'll get over it.

also, i would like to be cremated, and with NO VIEWING of my dead body in some wooden box i never would have picked out, all waxy and covered in make-up, wearing a short-sleeved plaid button-down shirt & pleated khakis that my mom picked out.

there is no need for a service, but if there *IS* one, don't let my mom pick the photo either. i can picture the one from when i was like 6 in the neon orange crazy-squiggles '80s shirt, with my fluffy powder-white ocean-spray hairdo, and my buck ass teeth.

um, i can't really think of anything else right now, but if you do ever happen to think of me after i'm gone, please try to remember me as really, really skinny.

oh -- and if by some chance i ever end up like Terri Schiavo -- PULL THE FUCKING PLUG. do not leave me like that.

xojay

list

2011-05-30T22:31:00.000-04:00

i want a baby lion for xmas

xo

constant dilemma.

2011-05-17T16:22:00.001-04:00

i have such a hard time drawing the line between being myself and saying what i believe, and making decisions that will allow me to be the most successful in a world that hates me and what i believe.

so much selfishness & evil in the world

2011-05-15T15:44:00.020-04:00

i just saw an anti-marriage-equality commercial on TV. the fact that people fight so hard against things that DONT AFFECT THEM AT ALL yet RUINS the ENTIRE lives of other human beings is just so beyond my comprehension.

and then watching them turn around and fight so strongly for things they want for their own lives -- their right to carry firearms; their right to practice a religion they choose (nevermind that religion, in my opinion, is the most destructive force on earth - but do you see me trying to make it illegal?); their right to have an abortion; their right to equal pay; their right to social services; their right to make their own money and keep it -- whatever the hell it is that they want for themselves...and sometimes those things DO interfere with the rights of others.

marriage equality does not interfere with anyone's rights to anything.

such a sadistic attitude towards the ENTIRE LIVES OF OTHERS just blows me away coming from any human being, but especially to see it coming from a non-white person. or a woman. or even a religious person.

how about we revert back to the days of slavery? or when black people had to drink from a different water fountain, go to a different school, ride in the back of the bus? would all the black people who are anti-marriage-equality maybe see the light about my right to find someone to spend my life with?

why don't we go back to when WOMEN were basically slaves. couldn't vote. couldn't have real jobs. were hardly even considered people. why don't we go back to THOSE days, and see if any woman speaks out against marriage equality then?

why don't we go back to the 1600s when the very people who came to this continent (raping and killing all those in their path), came here because THEY were being denied their freedoms in Europe?

here's my best idea --

why don't we make Islam the official national religion of the United States, and make all other religions illegal? will all the fucking selfish and sadistic Christians in this country feel so strongly about denying others their rights to pursue "happiness"?

don't get me wrong, i'm not saying gay people all speak out for the rights of others either. some of the worst intolerance, attacks, & alienation i've experienced in my life have come from other gay people. i think gay men in particular are meaner to each other & hold each other to higher standards than even women do to other women, which can be extreme.

but sad realities aside, these are INDIVIDUAL LIVES we are talking about. you're not looking at a "lifestyle" or even a "community", as i see it. you're looking at me. one person who has to BE me every single second of every single day for an entire lifetime. i have to experience every moment of my own life, and i don't get another one. why would you sit around making commercials about how i don't deserve to do my best to make the most of it?

i am not the only one. but neither are you.

soup

2011-04-25T05:26:00.003-04:00

the French Onion soup from Whole Foods doesnt taste ANYTHING like the French Onion soup from Boston Pizza. :(

#needsmorechemicals!

WTC

2011-04-24T19:54:00.003-04:00

today i visited the world trade center site, just to see how things are going down there.

was kind of sad that 10 years later it feels like there's still nothing there.

just a big hole surrounded by a tall fence that you can't see through.

no park, no statue. not even a tree.

nothing pretty or solemn to look at or reflect upon.

it's all just so weird. you would think a whole decade later there would be some sign of life, of healing, or at least some clarity and organization as to what is happening there.

i don't understand it.

millenium of solitary confinement

2011-01-12T00:31:00.003-05:00

there are so many ways to connect with people now.

so many ways.

social networking, cell phones, email, instant message, text messaging, airplanes, cars, trains, telephones, television, webcams, personals sites, pen and fucking paper.

so many ways.

so many ways of fucking connecting with other human beings...

and none of them work.

none of them.

no matter what you do...you can't get in.

my new business venture

2011-01-06T22:20:00.000-05:00

im gonna open a bar called "Depressed Bar". serving only diet ginger ale & playing music like Patty Griffin, Lisa Loeb, & Tori Amos at moderate volumes. only slow dancing allowed, no cologne/jewelry/makeup/glitter/sunglasses/anything shiny. all outfits must be hand-me-downs or from low-cost retailers, and anyone who talks too loud or makes sudden movements will be escorted out.

Calgary, Alberta, Canada

2010-11-29T01:34:00.019-05:00

i recently returned from a 5-date Canadian Tour (thanks everyone who went!!), and one of the shows was in Calgary, Alberta -- the city where i lived for 5.5 years as a child, and where i went to elementary school!

i'm so happy i flew in the night before my show, and had some time to explore some of the places from my old memories. it's been almost 18 years since i've been back here, and it was quite surreal, and even emotional, to walk & drive through these streets from such a different perspective.

i was amazed by how many memories came flooding back to me. how many things were exactly as i remembered them, and how many things were so different -- some because they have changed, and some because *i* have changed. i'm still processing the experience, but i think visiting these places from my childhood after so much time has passed was somehow cathartic, and perhaps a little magical.

it was strange wandering around my old house, my old neighborhood, and my old school -- having one foot swimming in the past, but the other firmly planted in the present, feeling a little self-conscious that someone might think i was a criminal trying to break into the building, or a psycho planning to kidnap some kid from the school yard. a little like being a foreigner in your own memories.

the visit was strange, and surreal, but quite beautiful. i'm so glad i had the opportunity to return.

i lived in this house from age 5 to 11! those trees used to be like 5 feet tall!!

the Chan's house next door. i remember when Mr. Chan laid those bricks in that driveway!

the Buccini's house up the cul-de-sac. Pam taught me how to Indian Braid friendship bracelets in there.

Eric & Joey's house (i think that was their names). they had a tiered deck in the back that we used as a stage, and where we started "a group". meaning several of us from the neighborhood would get together and do choreography and lip sync to tapes playing in someone's boom box. the group's name was "Equal" (same number of boys as girls), and our best routines ("first singles", as we called them) were to "Under Your Spell" by Candi, and Maestro Fresh Wes's "Let Your Backbone Slide".

used to go sledding down this hill

Pillar Park. notice there's no pillars? i know!! they're gone!! there used to be these tall concrete lipstick-shaped pillars that you could climb up and sort of sit in like they were incredibly tall chairs. Mitchell & Beth would come here to look for the local teens' cigarette butts on the ground, and light them up and try to smoke them haha. most of them were discarded by Angie & Faranez (spelling?). oddly enough, i don't think i ever smoked any, though i did go through a minor pyromaniac phase playing with matches.

so many memories playing street hockey, rollerblading, and/or riding bikes and roller racers and skateboards down this street! doesn't it look like a scene from Harry Potter here?

Triangle Park!! and yes, the "triangle" too has been removed!! basically it was a triangular handle bar on a pulley that slid across a cable stretched between 2 wooden towers

can you believe this view? from a few streets away on the hill where we lived...under the shadow of the Rocky Mountains!

walking around i remembered how i was always the first one to come in from sledding because my toes were turning blue! here you can see why.

Northland Village "mall" down the hill...basically like 10 stores.

to give you an idea of the temperature...this is my breath solidifying in mid-air.

a parking space outside my old elementary school. my 5th grade teacher, Mrs. Beddoes, was severely environmentally conscious, and started our school's recycling program. this spot is where her car was parked one day where she asked me & some other students to take the trash bags full of recycling. we could have sworn she said put them "on" her car. so we all climbed around on the hood and roof of her car trying to get the bags up there, basically covering it with footprints and scratching it with bags full of paper. apparently she had *just* had her car painted, and she was so mad that we all ran to the principal's office crying for protection in fear of being murdered.

Brentwood Elementary School. in 6th Grade, i was a crossing guard in this crosswalk!

i could have sworn these entrance/exit squares cut in the fence surrounding the school yard were a lot smaller. but they stick out in my memory as exciting possible escape routes.

playground outside our old church. i think it was wooden back then. i remember standing on the tower one Autumn day and realizing i couldn't stop sniffing really hard in an effort to clear my sinuses, which may or may not have actually been clogged. looking back, i remember having a lot of obsessive habits, like repeating words over and over until i felt i had said them "correctly". i guess in the '80s no one knew about things like Tourette's or Autism or whatever other ticks i have always teetered on the edge of? haha

we were SO excited when this strip mall was built, and this was a 7-Eleven. getting permission to ride our bikes this far was really exciting, and i always got mad at my friends for going to the cashier to buy one item of candy, then selecting another, going to buy it, then another, buying it...one at a time. stupid.

i really can't believe i grew up in such a stunning location

sarika's house!

i cant remember the name of the guy who lived here, but i remember that we were all jealous of him because the last 4 digits of his phone number spelled "DOGS" on the telephone dial pad. we spent weeks trying to figure out what alphabetic words our phone number could correspond to. i don't think we came up with anything good.

there were quite a few parks/playgrounds very nearby that played such an important role in our activities as kids. the pathways that lead to those parks are just as memorable to me.

path

our mailbox!! i suppose when you live in sub-zero climates, the postperson only wants to stop every few blocks.

this playground has also been re-built (in quite a meager fashion, i must say). one day while playing here, i remember telling my friend Mitchell his cheeks looked like tomatoes. i still feel bad about that.

terrible focus (i didnt want to walk up to the windows and risk getting arrested by the house's current tenants), but this neighborhood watch sticker was SO in this window back in the day!! almost 20 years ago!!

the electrical box in our backyard. i buried a dead bird in front of it once, and made little tombstones with rocks & a marker.

i can still picture my Grandpa standing on this porch smoking while he and my Grandmother were visiting. and one of our cats hiding under it for days until she finally wondered off to die in private.

DEFINITELY the same old rusted lamppost in the corner of the yard!

the spot where i used to make snow angels. except my parents would never in a million years have let the plants in the yard get this overgrown & un-manicured.

i remember sitting by this window on the right waiting for my mother to come home from errands. the heating/air conditioning vents in this house are on the floor and there is one right under the window. i remember curling up by it and falling asleep while waiting, and i may or may not have peed once while sleeping there. i can't remember if that actually happened or not...i might be subconsciously fabricating that part.

our street sign!

i took the C-Train to Silver Dragon before the show and saw this sticker on the train car. i was there during those Olympics!! it was an exciting time. i always dreamed of being a figure skater. i hope it's not too late...

listen to the man in the liquor store

2010-11-19T03:32:00.001-05:00

yellin "anybody want a drink before the war?"

some photos from Warsaw

2010-10-30T17:44:00.014-04:00

plac zamkowy (castle square)

i like this door

a street in the newly re-built old town

marie curie was born at this address!

my boyfriend

the empire state building east...just kidding. Palace of Culture & Science. a "gift" from Stalin.

sun setting from atop the building above.

chopin's heart is ACTUALLY in this pillar.

candlelit dinner for one. my first authentically Polish meal.

pierogi. a little too much oil for my body to handle, but delicious delicious flavor.

another view of Plac Zamkowy. somehow i managed to never actually get a photo of the full square with the castle in it. weird.

europe loves its churches

if i knew Poland was saving me a seat, i would've arrived much earlier!!

not much bigger than my bed in NYC. how could a king be satisfied? he must have been tiny.

me in the crown jewels

benches outside the Centre for Contemporary Art. some of the phrases i didnt like at all, but some of them really moved me. i was shocked at the things they said once i started reading - i wasn't expecting so many things that resonated with me...usually things like this are so generic, stupid, and awful. just the usual bullshit we're all constantly spoonfed about life, death, love, and humanity. but these benches are actually cool. one of them officially became my favorite bench in the world, but im not telling which one.

Lazienki Park

same

a polish firebush

uk/ireland tour

2010-10-23T22:18:00.008-04:00

dublin spire, or "stiletto in the ghetto" as some locals like to call it

sunset over the river liffey (dublin, ireland)

from new york to brazil via dublin's bosom (molly malone statue / dublin, ireland)

statue thingy outside buckingham palace (london, england)

entrance to the ministry of magic (london, england)

hotel sofitel. first place i ever stayed when i came to london for the film festival, and just down the street from the queen's residence. possibly the most amazing bed i have ever slept in. my, how my london accommodations have changed since then.

europe's idea of a "midnight pharmacy" - at 10 p.m. on a weekday. i'm not getting it. (piccadilly circus // london, england)

london eye

westminster (london, england)

i hope i get a skull & crossbones on MY grave. (glasgow, scotland)

necropolis (glasgow, scotland)

jaycropolis (glasgow, scotland)

necropolis / glasgow cathedral area (glasgow, scotland)

"troy" (sinéad o'connor cover) live at crawdaddy in dublin, ireland

my personal top 5 albums of all time

2010-08-16T12:12:00.003-04:00

(this doesn't include ani difranco, as she kind of has her own top 5)

in no particular order:

no need to argue - the cranberries

little earthquakes - tori amos

jagged little pill - alanis morissette

velvet rope - janet jackson

crazysexycool - TLC

some of the best moments of my life

2010-08-06T03:32:00.009-04:00

in no particular order

1. a standing ovation from the packed Palais theatre after the world premiere of Shortbus at the Cannes Film Festival in France. the audience clapping in rhythm for what was probably about 5 minutes, and felt like 20. the cast members, crew, and filmmakers all in tears at such a climactic moment of years of hard work & vulnerability. being told by the director of the festival that that night was the first time in the history of Cannes that the audience continued applauding and didn't leave the theatre until after the cast & crew. my first time in Europe.

2. standing at the top of the hill overlooking Athens, Greece with my friend Loukas. my first time on an international trip without travel companions. one of the most beautiful city views i have ever experienced.

3. walking onstage my first time at the Highline Ballroom in NYC. my first time headlining my own show in a "ballroom"-sized venue.

4. believing in magic again for the first time in maybe 3 years. in Porto Alegre, Brazil.

5. riding through the streets of Rome at night behind my friend Pino on his moped, circling past the brightly lit Colosseum and flying through ancient archways.

6. wandering the streets of Edinburgh, Scotland - one of the most beautiful places i've been - on a headline tour of the UK. feeling adventurous & alive in a way i don't feel very often.

7. Madrid, Prague, & Budapest - Spring 2010

8. going to the The Cranberries concert, 15 years after i wanted to. handing Dolores O'Riordan an inscribed copy of my covers album with "Zombie" on it, and watching her wave it around in the air (having no idea what it was haha), while singing "Ode To My Family"

9. Lisa Loeb concert with Amy Caudill at Largo in Hollywood, circa 2000. sitting on the floor at Lisa's feet, and her talking to us during the show, calling us "cute", me calling her "my hero" & her responding "that's nice" and then feeling bad that it came out sarcastic rather than sincere...so she asked what song i wanted her to play...and then she said no, she didn't want to play that one haha

10. getting a personal email from the one and only Ani DiFranco

11. the first time i came to NYC, felt its magic, and knew it was where i belonged. NYC called to me from the moment i arrived. perhaps even before.

12. breaking up with my first boyfriend at the Jewel concert at Cynthia Woods Mitchell Pavilion in Houston, Texas when i was 16. finding support in total strangers who i still believe to be angels, and dancing with them in the rain.

13. seeing a music video for a song that i wrote and sang...being broadcast on network television.

14. the first time i achieved an entire year of sobriety, four days before my 21st birthday.

15. renting a car & driving by myself to the Dead Sea in Israel. getting lost. being terrified. finally getting there and soaking in (literally) another of the world's most stunning landscapes.

17. graduating from high school 1 year early - and getting the fuck out of there

18. wandering the streets of beautiful, charming Lisbon. forcing myself (after many attempts) to climb all the way to the top of the Torre de Belém, in spite of my fear of heights.

19. making it all the way to the top outside ring of St. Peter's Basilica in the Vatican City, only finding the courage to ascend the cupola when a kind group of American college student tourists said they would help, and talked to me the whole way up to keep me distracted. then going to the top of the Gianicolo with my friend Marco to watch the fiery sunset over Rome.

20. being flown to LA to screen test with Lindsay Lohan & Lizzie Kaplan for the producers & director of Mean Girls

21. watching my first album (hardly believing one existed) climb to the No. 25 spot on the overall iTunes album charts.

22. watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer followed by Xena on the couch every Thursday night in high school in the dark, eating bowls of three-cheese tortellini in tomato sauce.

23. getting kicked out of college, packing everything i owned into my little Nissan Sentra, and driving 20 hours non-stop from Cincinnati to Houston, having an 18th birthday, then continuing 24 hours non-stop from Houston to Palm Springs.

24. this isnt really one specific moment, but...showing up in cities ive never been to in rooms packed full of people singing my songs & requesting them by name. THAT is a crazy feeling i never thought i'd have.

25. hmmm im pushing for one more memory before i go to bed, just to have a round 25...... ok! being on the cover of Rolling Stone maga....oh wait. that hasn't happened yet. ok i guess i should call it a night, i'm hallucinating.

dear Sinead O'Connor,

2010-07-22T20:01:00.006-04:00

thank you for your beauty...inside and out.

thank you for your voice...which is from another dimension.

thank you for standing unafraid against a world that destroys anything with an identity, an opinion, or a soul. a world that despises honesty and is almost never willing to face its own fears or the truth.

thank you for your emotional disorder.

thank you for your bald head, and for your tears.

thank you for basically sacrificing a career people would (and do) kill for, in order to maintain your own voice and to stand strong by your own convictions.

i'm sorry for the way people treated you. from your childhood to the moment you stood on the stage at Madison Square Garden at the Bob Dylan Tribute Concert, a lone brave and talented 25-year-old girl from ireland being crucified by a mob of tens of thousands like a witch on trial.

they were so scared of you, Sinead. you shook the delusional axis of this planet in a way it just couldn't withstand.

i was very young during those days, and living in a sheltered world where i never really had the chance to appreciate your music or your actions. quite the opposite actually. as a child, i too was trained to hate warriors like you.

but i find inspiration in you now. and the sound of your voice - and the rage & pain it unleashes with such clarity - shatters something within me.

i don't know you. i've never met you, and i probably never will.

but sometimes i go on, because you did.

i never blog anymore

2010-06-29T03:26:00.002-04:00

but does anybody really care?

microblogging is so much more A.D.D.-friendly

anyway its 330am and i have a fever and want to die

tell me whyee? aint nothin but a headache

mary had a little lamb. it's fleece was white as snow. and everywhere that mary went...the lamb was sure to go.

lambs are cute. sometimes i wish i were a little lamb.

i was gonna post effloads of pics from my 3 months of travel through europe...but re-sizing & uploading & blah blah...i never got around to it

it was definitely one of the most amazing experiences of my life. sometimes awesome. sometimes horrifying. in the end, i got so much out of it...and i hope to do it again. only maybe for like 4 to 6 weeks instead of 3 months. that was...intense haha

part of me wishes i could just travel forever.

or at least until i fall in love

with something

or someone

(spare me all the obnoxious hokey shit about loving yourself, blah blah. "the secret" can shove it.)

you know what?

i'm deciding right now that im going to be bigger than Lady GaGa.

and if it doesnt happen...can we finally abandon all that shit about how if you think something, it will happen...how envisioning the future causes it to come about...that when anything bad happens its because of your attitude...etc?

optimism nazis make this world a shitty shitty fake place where everything real & honest is choked out like a fucking weed.

ya give me feev-ah.

i ♥ segovia

2010-04-28T19:12:00.000-04:00

an american party in spain

2010-04-15T19:38:00.016-04:00

what did i do on my first weekend in madrid?

i went to...an "american" party!

that's right...they actually have american-themed parties over here, and you will be thrilled to see what they think of us haha

all-american alvaro

i didn't really realize that "nerds" were such an "american" concept...until i went to an american party and was faced with like 100 of them. one chick was even sporting fake braces!

i think the quintessential post-it phrase is "kick me", but...close. javi's costume was very thorough...he even brought a spiral notebook, an apple, and a tuna salad sandwich wrapped in saran wrap

i don't know if this was part of the "american" theme, but there were boxes & boxes & boxes of sangria in the kitchen.

football player...with cape haha

um how much do you love the walking hot dog? ("perrito caliente" as they say in spain)

just when you think it can't get any better...monica lewinski shows up

all-NATIVE-american...cher.

miss USA!

josé can you see

home, home on the range

stars & stripes 4-ever

re-enactment of the lady gaga video...i imagine this happens at any party, regardless of its theme

yearbook photo

i kept trying to get a photo of Superman smoking his cigarette, but i could never move fast enough

best use of a trophy i've seen

i didn't need a costume...i came as all-american alvaro's authentic american accessory

my favorite quote from the night:

-javi calvo (above), upon pulling my very american listerine strips out of my pocket & letting him try one:

"it's like a gum...but quicker!"

terrifying journey to the top of the world

2010-04-08T20:15:00.009-04:00

oh hey there, vatican city. see that tiny little cupola at the top of the dome there? brace yourselves, cuz that's where we're headed.

this was the easy part. the beginning of the climb. i wish i wasn't so fucking terrified for the 2nd half so i could have taken photos to show you how fucking tiny & claustrophic & twisty-turny it gets once you get up inside the dome

when i got to the first stop-off of the climb, i almost barfed and passed out from terror. you basically end up on this VERY skinny little catwalk that encircles the inside of the dome, looking down into the basilica. there is a gate/fence thing that goes up way above your head, but it's so high up and so narrow and so packed with tourists, all i could do was think about the catwalk crumbling and all of us plummeting to our deaths amongst piles of rubble, popes, fanny packs, and visors.

it was so terrifying, i was so afraid i wouldn't be able to get down without walking all the way around the catwalk to the exit on the other side. i had to basically turn my head towards the wall and move as quickly as i could to get to the nearest exit. i got a couple better photos later, but here was my first attempt at a photo as i reached my hand out towards the grill & snapped as fast as i could haha

this is the curvy roof terrace of the basilica where i hung out for maybe...30 or 40 minutes trying to work up the courage to go up into the tiny stairwell that winds through the dome and up to the outside ring of the very top.

i was trying to find other English speaking tourists to ask them how bad it was - how narrow the walkway was - if you had to walk around the outside a long way to get to the exit....

i even phoned my friend Marco, and kept walking back up the steps and into the dome to the base of the stairs...then back out...then back in...

the entrance to hell.

i wish i had taken photos of the line going up this tiny staircase...as well as the long winding staircase inside (including the part where the walls of the dome begin to curve in, and eventually you walk up a TINY spiral staircase that includes a vertical hanging ROPE TO HELP YOU KEEP GOING UP). but i was too focused on my survival, my dizzy head, and my wobbling knees to document those parts. anyway, we're not there yet.

finally, at about 20 minutes to closing time, i made the decision that i had come THIS far, i had to do it. that if all these fucking billions of tourists every day could do this and survive, then the odds are unlikely that i'll be the one to go tumbling down the side of the basilica, or that there will be an earthquake and the whole place will cave in.

so i'm standing at the base of this staircase, and these 4 American students end up behind me. one guy is talking about how he's claustrophobic and i turn around and say "i'm terrified of heights. i've been up here for 30 or 40 minutes trying to decide if i can make it up there or not".

now this is what really made the experience special. i'm sooo fucking happy i ended up braving this feat, and that i made it to the top, and that i got to see the view & say that i did it. but the really magical thing for me was that these 4 students were so nice to me, and basically talked to me the entire way up to keep me distracted -- and we're talking 10 to 15 minutes of climbing...something like 300 very crowded steps! i'm not kidding that my knees were shaking the entire time, i was totally dizzy, and i am shocked that i didnt actually start to cry. but the people behind me were soooo nice and so helpful, and there's really no way i would have survived this experience without them. it seems small, but when people ask me if i believe in angels...those are the kind of people i think about.

st. peter's square from above

at the top, there is an inner ring and an outer ring. i started out by staying in the inner ring and sort of reaching my arm out over people's head to snap photos. eventually i (still wobbly-kneed) worked my way out to the outer ring, and even worked my way out to the very outside railing & turned my back for a photo or two!!!

i stayed up there for longer than i expected, and am really glad i made it. it was very terrifying, but honestly it was the fear of the unknown that was the worst part...not knowing what it was going to be like...how long & how bad the staircase would be....how small the landing would be at the top. truthfully the indoor catwalk was the worst part. on the way down, i did make my way back inside for a few better photos, but that part really was terrifying.

after finally getting my feet back on the ground, you get dumped out into St. Peter's basilica...a truly amazing room to behold (i had been in here on a previous visit)

uh, why yes, that is Michaelangelo's legendary Pietà

why is it when you ask another tourist to take your photo, they always do it with the worst framing imaginable? "hi, excuse me - would you mind taking a photo for me with michaelangelo's legendary world's-greatest-work-of-art, and make sure my head is right in front of it?"

afterwards, i called my (other) friend Marco [everyone in Italy has the same name], and he drove me up to the Gianicolo hill for an amazing view of the city at sunset

i have several photos of this sunset - it looked like the sky was literally on fire

...and with the lovely Marco #12049B-N

i've had so many amazing & lucky experiences in my life, yet there are so few days when i truly feel alive. this one goes down in the history books.

and to C.J. and friends, from the cupola: if you ever need a favor...i owe you one.

jaylice in romaland

2010-03-16T05:38:00.006-04:00

since this is my 3rd time in rome, i have been visiting many of the typical tourist attractions / sites of ancient art & architecture & beauty...but as i already have photos of those places, i have decided to experience them more fully with the naked eye, rather than through the LCD screen of a digital camera

i do whip out my camera every now & then...to capture places that i am visiting for the first time. or something that catches my interest. so here's a few of those moments from my first few days back in Rome:

in my first couple nights here, i got to see my lovely friend Marco Guazzone perform, with my new boyfriend (not really) Andrea on guitar

"love will save us" ... or will it?

for my friend Sia back in NYC...i didn't know you had your own line of home fashions over here!!

at first glance...just a lovely gate.

a rather large keyhole

when Alice peers through the keyhole, she sees the Rose Garden. when Jay peers through the keyhole, he sees this curious row of hedges...

lean in close...

wow!! a perfectly framed view of St. Peters Basilica at the Vatican!! and if you drink the little vial of Holy Water, you shrink just enough to slip under the door and into eternal bliss, riding around town in the glass Popemobile and retiring nightly to the Papal Apartments like a true rich person of God. spiritually wealthy, only, of course. i'm sure the Vatican was built exclusively by volunteers.

pretty clear to me

but it seems even Italians have problems reading Italian

my proudest moment

2010-02-10T01:19:00.003-05:00

this is the most amazing thing i have ever made

i never dreamed replacing a broken TV would prove to be so complicated. for the past 10 years i've been using one of those heavy old-fashioned tube TVs from the 16th century...the kind you can't buy anymore, even if you wanted to.

i don't really watch TV that much, although i do like having a TV to watch DVDs and occasional forensic shows. plus my building provides non-optional basic cable service that i have to pay a small fee for each month anyway.

so when the antique TV finally refused to turn on, i tossed it out, and re-modeled my shoebox apartment, freeing up what amounts to a lot of space when you consider the whole place is about 150 sq. ft. in total.

i then spent weeks researching & purchasing the cheapest 22" flat screen TV/DVD player combo i could find online ($215). it's pretty decent, but i didn't really realize how hi-def and/or digital cable stuff works...i figured a new TV would just automatically look amazing. but turns out you need a lot more than a new TV to get digital or HD pictures...it's all about the source (digital or HD cable, and yes...even "HD-DVDs"). the cable my building provides is only analog & can't be upgraded...so i spent an effload of time researching how all that works cuz when the TV arrived the picture looked like dung. i was kind of depressed, but then in my research found that the picture can be vastly improved just be adjusting the factory picture settings, which are defaulted in a way that make their TV stand out on a showroom floor, but really doesn't look good when you get it home.

the next thing i spent a shitload of time on was which TV mount to buy and how i could safely hang it on the wall. again, not a lot of space around here, so lucky for me its a small tv and it seems to be okay mounted only in the drywall (no stud in the available space). but finding anchors to work with my specific wall construction was a nightmare as well...and i'm forever grateful to the shockingly knowledgeable & helpful Home Depot employees.

but i still haven't gotten to the point of this blog.

one cool feature of my new TV is that i could purchase a couple cables (MUCH cheaper online than in stores) and watch video from my computer on the TV screen!! it took a lot of research to figure out which cables...and to realize that i needed one cable for video & one for audio, etc....but once that all got worked out, my last dilemma was how to semi-stylishly disguise the 15 feet of cables hanging from the television when not in use.

i spent soooo much time shopping online & going to stores around manhattan...envisioning some sort of rectangle vase or oval basket. but i just couldn't find something that looked good and was affordable.

eventually i found a 2-compartment magazine holder on Target's website...and even made my way out to New Jersey one cold Sunday night on public transportation to buy it in person, to save on shipping times & rates.

i wanted to coil up the cords in the back compartment when not in use, and reallllly wanted fake wheatgrass or bamboo or something cute for the front compartment. i took trips all over town (and actually discovered some cool places doing so), looking for fake wheatgrass and the ONLY decent option i could find was from a place in Utah called wheatgrasskits.com.

i also put a lot of effort into finding green styrofoam blocks of the right size to fill the container, so that i had something to put the fake grass on. i ended up using a saw to cut up a huge block of floral foam at Michael's (there actually is one way uptown in Manhattan), where i had already made about 3 excursions in my quest for fake grass and/or bamboo.

in any case, the whole point of this essay was to brag about how much i like the way the cable-storage/fake-wheatgrass-planter-box project turned out, and i needed to make sure i was clear about how much time and effort i put into this whole damn thing. i know the TV cords are all over the place, and probably should be unified and run along the wall under a white cover or something...

but the fake-wheatgrass-planter-box/storage thing sure does look cute & is probably the most amazing thing i've ever made in my whole life!!

i couldn't be more proud.

marriage equality

2010-01-09T15:51:00.003-05:00

isn't a question of gay vs. straight.

there are a lot of straight people who support it.

and believe it or not, there are plenty of gay people who don't.

like all matters of civil rights & the equal treatment of human beings, it is simply a matter of sane vs. fucking crazy.

there are those who are capable of logic, and those who aren't.

unfortunately, we live in a world largely composed of the latter.

thank god

2010-01-03T00:53:00.003-05:00

wow, in the past couple days, i've actually been feeling inspired to write again...for the first time in almost a year.

in case anyone's wondering, a sure-fire way to halt the creative juices from flowing is to go into business with your art haha

xojay

10 things i was thinking about on the elliptical machine tonight

2010-01-01T22:25:00.005-05:00

1. appreciate your "fans", but be hesitant about trusting them. people will write you emails as if they worship you and want desperately to be your intimate companion. and the moment you do or say something human, or something they don't like…they will turn on you in an instant. sometimes in extreme ways.

2. expressing a feeling is a survival tactic, like letting steam out of a tea kettle. it's not necessarily solicitation for advice or lectures from anyone, particularly people you've NEVER EVEN MET. some people have more steam than others, and there's not always a reason. trust me - just like no one would CHOOSE to be gay - no one CHOOSES to be full of steam. although it's much easier to believe everything in life is a choice, i just don't believe it's that simple for everyone. intangibles like physical depression & alcoholism are real, and unchosen. just like cancer is real. or sexual orientation. or height. we all have our handicaps, and all anyone can do is their best.

3. people yell at you when you blog too much. they yell at you when you don't blog enough. they scream at you for not writing "happy, upbeat songs"….and when you do, they scream at you for "selling out".

4. people yell at you for not responding to an email. and if you do respond, they yell at you for not responding fast enough, or not writing enough sentences.

5. some people spend a few dollars on your music, and then act as if they purchased a part of your soul, and are now an equal parts shareholder in who you are and what you do.

6. you can't trust politics, government, religion, or even science. it used to be a known fact that the earth was flat. one day eggs are proven to cause cancer, and the next, they are proven to prevent it. pluto was a planet for decades and now…its not. no matter how certain someone seems, no one ever really knows what they're talking about.

7. experience is much more valuable than opinion. but even experience is specific and subjective.

8. we live in a world where someone can build a life & career explicitly around hating others & causing pain, and then that person can turn right around and become a spokesperson for a "No Hate" campaign. that really confuses me.

9. few human beings have a sense of humor, and when they do, it's often very basic & underdeveloped. people don't like questions, and they don't like layers.

10. some religious people won't stand up for black people, even though they have experienced some of the same oppression. some black people won't stand up for women, even though they have experienced some of the same oppression. some women won't stand up for gay people, even though they have experienced some of the same oppression. some gay people won't stand up for depressed people, even though they have experienced some of the same oppression. depressed people are awesome, and stand up for everyone. haha

depressed people are the only people worth talking to

2010-01-01T18:05:00.002-05:00

everyone else is condescending, insensitive, and evil

"judge"

2009-12-22T22:49:00.001-05:00

this is a severely overused word

the incredible, edible ms. Dee Dozier

2009-12-21T19:05:00.005-05:00

DEE DOZER - ALL I ASK

NEW CD (her first!) now available on iTunes & CD Baby...

so some of you may already know one of my BFFs Dee Dozier.

maybe from the cover i did on youtube of her song "All I Ask"

or maybe from her song "Beautiful Lies" from the indie film Holding Trevor

well, she's dark, cynical, broken, and broken-hearted...just like us

and she's finally wrangled all that magic together into her FIRST cd release!!! totally self-financed, totally independent, totally awesome.

some of my favorite tracks: "Biloxi", "All I Ask", "Your Song".... and probably my #1 fave: "The One Thing" (<---don't miss this one)

WARNING: these lyrics & melodies will get stuck in your head!!! i should know, i've been walking around humming them to myself for years.

Dee & I met living in Hollywood, CA, where we both moved to be actor/musicians, but instead...just fell apart as teenagers haha. we bought our first guitars the same summer, wrote our first songs together, and sat around playing them in dark alleys wishing we were drunk. she's one of the reasons i'm alive today...one of the reasons i started (and continued) writing & playing music...and definitely the reason i ever braved my first open mic.

support independent music. & get some awesome new underground shit to listen to on the treadmill in the process :)

xojay

NEW XMAS SONG!!

2009-11-16T21:15:00.005-05:00

"Christmas Really Sucks"

available NOW at jaybrannan.bandcamp.com

listen, download, & send the link to everyone you know!!

[**20% of ALL purchases made on jaybrannan.bandcamp.com in 2009 will be donated to AIDS Research Alliance (aidsresearch.org)]

credits:
written, performed, & produced by jay brannan
musical arrangement & mixing by ben crippin taylor
recorded by vivian stoll
mastered by mark chalecki at little red book mastering, los angeles
cover photo by stephen winter
additional inspiration by marco guazzone

USED

2009-11-10T02:31:00.006-05:00

i've started taking italian lessons, and was shopping for a textbook. because they're so damn expensive, i was looking up prices of used ones, which all have those yellow "USED" stickers on the spine, and thought....omg. i know exactly how those books feel.

and thus the latest t-shirt in the jay brannan collection was born.

obviously you want one. (click here)

it really blows my mind that someone is performing a song that i wrote in a cafe in Taiwan

2009-11-03T03:28:00.002-05:00

i really never dreamed

i use a stage name in Atlanta to avoid being recognized

2009-10-23T21:27:00.001-04:00

pánico por la gripe porcina! / fear of the swine flu!

2009-08-21T04:19:00.003-04:00

gracias por la foto, andrés!

me encanta

oh fuck yeah

2009-08-14T00:56:00.003-04:00

feed me ur stroop!

don't stop

climax

round 2

discarded wrapper

please don't be jealous of my ability

2009-08-08T17:23:00.001-04:00

the simple things

2009-08-02T22:55:00.003-04:00

i generally say that there are only 4 things i truly enjoy in life.

only 4 real reasons i can come up with for facing each day.

they are, not necessarily in order:

1. food

2. sex

3. sleep

4. buffy, the vampire slayer

well now i'd like to formally add "stroopwafels" to that list

it may seem that they fit under category #1, but no...they are a Reason for Living all on their own

(for the record, the honey ones are better than the hazelnut ones)

thank you, india.

well, technically, the netherlands.

just in case i haven't been clear

2009-08-02T22:10:00.002-04:00

wikipedia is PSYCHO, PSYCHO, PSYCHO

please don't ever use this site, unless you are looking for pure mythology and bias

i hope it burns in hell

a thank you note, cuz that's how we do it in Texas

2009-07-31T01:02:00.004-04:00

i don't know if this will come out right. i'm quite exhausted from all the travel in the past three weeks and can't quite think straight.

i just finished playing the last show of the North American part of my I Suck at Life Tour for 2009

these were the cities:

new york

annapolis

philadelphia

hoboken

minneapolis

chicago

columbus

houston

austin

dallas

los angeles

san francisco

portland

seattle

nyc (again)

boston

what an amazing experience. i had soooo much fun and met so many amazing people, and i can't even believe i'm getting to do stuff like this.

i never thought i'd get to write songs and play them around the world. i'm not very good at accepting love and support, and i just can't believe that this many people out there actually care about what i'm doing, and believe that i have something to offer.

it's so strange and i feel quite emotional looking back over these last 16 shows.

i don't think i can adequately explain how difficult and terrifying it is to pursue a career in entertainment, and the fact that i've been able to support myself on music and without a day job for the past year is so unbelievable to me

i feel like such a misfit in this world. most of the time i am angry, sad, lonely, frustrated, tired...getting out of bed is a challenge in and of itself. all the things i have experienced in the past 2 or 3 years has simply been beyond my wildest expectations.

thank you soooooooooooo much to everyone for being so supportive and so nice and so incredible. i'm not really sure how to do what i'm doing, how long it will last, or if i'll ever get to do it again, but this has been an experience i will never forget and i am very grateful to every single person who was a part of it

thank u thank thank u

i blow u a kiss

i will never have this

2009-07-02T03:39:00.000-04:00

never.

introducing Kitty Beesh (short for Kitty Bradshaw)

2009-06-29T01:40:00.003-04:00

also referred to as Amazing Perfectness

miss u muffin!

man in the mirror

2009-06-26T00:15:00.000-04:00

did anyone really know michael jackson?

ever really see him?

or did we set up another person as a god, and ultimately destroy them?

In Living Cover

2009-05-17T08:45:00.004-04:00

available on iTunes July 7

pre-order the physical copy here, along with my new "i suck at life" multilingual t-shirt! (both items will ship to arrive on or around July 7)

listen to the full track for "ZOMBIE" here (and leave a comment so Spinner/AOL thinks i'm popular)

tracks:

1. beautifully (jay brannan original)

2. say it's possible (terra naomi)

3. all i want (joni mitchell)

4. blowin' in the wind (bob dylan)

5. the freshmen (the verve pipe)

6. good mother (jann arden)

7. both hands (ani difranco)

8. zombie (the cranberries)

9. drowning (jay brannan original)

credits:

produced by jay brannan & drew brody

mixed & recorded by drew brody

vocals, guitar, bass, kashaka, & piano (except "drowning"): jay brannan

cello: greg heffernan

piano arrangement for "drowning": scott starrett

mastered by mark chalecki at little red book mastering, los angeles

album artwork by pedro fanti & beatriz milhomem

cover illustration based on a photo taken by m clark

help me test the power of twitter!

2009-04-22T16:04:00.004-04:00

do me a favor? PLEASE -

make EVERYONE you know send a twitter to @theellenshow and tell her why she HAS to have me (@jaybrannan) on her show!!

they said no a year ago, help me show them why they should reconsider?!?

i <3 the internet age!!

and then one day, i had time for blogging again

2009-04-22T04:04:00.000-04:00

oh wait, no i didn't

Can't Have It All -- OFFICIAL MUSIC VIDEO!!!

2009-03-30T19:51:00.002-04:00

the moment you've all been waiting for has arrived!!

my new music video for "Can't Have It All" is up & running!!

please post it on your facebook, your myspace, your website, your blog -- email the link to all your friends -- i want EVERYONE ON EARTH to know -- you can't have it all!!!!!!!!!!!!

DIRECTED BY etypical (www.etypical.tv) -- thanks adam & tj!!

inventory

2009-03-27T03:59:00.002-04:00

travel time from Little Rock to NYC, door to door: 15 hours

amount of food consumed during that time: 4 bags of peanuts

amount of times reservation had to be altered and i barely made it onto any flight at all, mostly out of pure luck (on a very unlucky day): 100

cab from newark: $80 because i have serious tipping guilt and always overdo it (probably)

panic attacks from turbulence: 1,243,580

fantasies of plane falling out of sky and crashing into earth in form of flaming fireball: [panic attacks] times 3

location of luggage: unknown

omg please watch the whole thing, it's so amazing

2009-03-22T17:45:00.001-04:00

writing songs

2009-03-18T01:42:00.001-04:00

...is a lot like loooooooong & excruciating childbirth. i just want this thing out, my vagina hurts.

someone get me the hell out of here

2009-03-15T05:10:00.001-04:00

unbeweavable

2009-02-28T02:02:00.001-05:00

golden blossom honey

2009-02-25T01:21:00.006-05:00

wins the award for all around most amazing honey

it's so tasty and kind of chewy

the perfect complement to FAGE 2%

try to understand how important this is

the big annoying GAY factor

2009-02-14T17:24:00.004-05:00

as taken from the new FAQ posted at jaybrannan.com:

Q. the big annoying GAY factor: why do you hate being called a "gay" singer-songwriter, or being told you write "gay" songs, or always being asked to participate in gay-themed activities, etc.?

A. it's 2009. i think it's time that everyone, the "gay community" included, allow gay people to take their place in the world as real people, rather than continuing to be defined and separated by their sexual orientation. i want the freedom to be myself, unafraid and uncensored, without having to market myself based on a sexual orientation, or attaching that sexual orientation to my name as a title.

in recent years, an entire industry has developed around "being gay" -- gay magazines, gay tv channels, gay movies, gay pride festivals, gay radio stations, gay record labels. and in my opinion, most of these entities are built around cheesy, outdated and cliché ideas of what it means to be "gay," what gay people want, what is "sexy," or what sells.

i have turned down thousands of dollars that i could have made by exploiting my sexual orientation and building a career in the gay industry and in gay media. because i want to be a musician and an actor and a regular person...on the same playing field as everyone else. i'm not interested in being a professional gay, and i refuse to make my entire life and career about that. i'm not that interested in playing at gay bars or gay pride festivals, or doing "gay singer/songwriter" programs (though i have done these things, and may again if i feel good reason to). i dealt with my sexual orientation when i was a teenager, and frankly i'm sick of talking about it. i don't want my album or the films i'm in to be in the "gay section" of a music or video store. i think having a gay section at the video store is the same as asking black people to drink from a different water fountain, or to sit at the back of the bus. why can't films with gay characters be classified with all the other films...as dramas, or comedies, or horror? "gay" shouldn't BE a genre.

i understand why gay people of a certain generation still have this obsession with their sexual orientation, and maintain this sort of "us against them" mentality. they weren't allowed to be gay for most of their lives, so they are still really excited about it, and feel that they need a community of other gay people for support.

it's like when you're in high school in texas, and you feel like you're the only gay person in the entire world, and all you want is to be around other gay people where you think you can be yourself. but then fast forward 10 years, and you live in L.A. or NYC and you can't ESCAPE gay people and how much being gay makes up their entire identity. everywhere you look there are rainbow flags and gay pride festivals, and waxed, oiled, and muscled bodies staring back at you from shop windows and magazine covers. everyone looks the same and acts the same. they have all the same interests, go to all the same gay vacation spots, and work out at the same gym. all they ever talk about is being gay, and you are expected to like a movie because it's "gay," or like an author because he or she is gay, or listen to music because it's made by a gay person...not because it's GOOD, or because it appeals to you on a more substantial level. all of a sudden, the people who wanted to create a community where they could freely be themselves are forcing this gay identity on everyone and everything they can...telling you who you have to be, what you have to stand for, what you have to make the focus of your life or your career. [much akin to the birth of the United States...people in Europe were being persecuted for their beliefs, so they ran away and built a new nation where people could be "free" to be who they wanted...as long as it fit within certain strict guidelines! (this nation was built on completely fraudulent and hypocritical principles...which hasn't really changed to this day.)]

well, fuck that. people tell me all the time that i represent the "gay community" whether i like it or not. but i'm telling you right now, you represent who you choose to represent. i represent myself and that's it. or maybe i'm willing to stand for other individuals who feel trapped or handicapped by the oppressive world around them, or by the "communities" that are forced upon them simply because of demographics. i don't feel a bond to people because of demographics. i don't see gay people as "family" any more than i feel connected to people because they are white, or because they are tall, or because they have blue eyes. in this world, it's me against everyone, and i hate everyone equally [insert laugh here]. i'll go so far as to say that gay people have fucked me over and treated me like shit more than any other demographic out there, both personally and professionally -- certainly more than any christians or republicans or conservatives ever have. so no, i don't feel a bond to other gay people just because they are gay, i don't identify with them as a "community," and i'm not interested in being their poster boy.

please understand that none of this has anything to do with my view on civil rights. of course all people should be given equal rights...regardless of any demographics. and yes, i think gay people should be able to get married. i would certainly attend a protest supporting those rights, and i HAVE played at events such as gay marriage benefits. but to me this is all very different than the "pride" scene or gay media, or the commercialization of gayness. i deserve equal rights, but i'm not particularly proud or excited to be gay. i don't really think about it much in terms of my identity.

so you ask -- "but, jay, you sing about wanting to be a housewife. you sing about men in your songs. you wrote a song with margaret cho about sucking dick."

this is all very true. but this way of thinking is very limited, and contributes so strongly to the problem.

in my song "Housewife": am i man singing about wanting to be with another man? yes. is that part of the humor and irony of me (a guy) singing the song? i think so. but did i write it as an anthem to gay marriage? not at all...honestly the fact that i'm a gay guy had nothing to do with it...it's not something i think about much in my personal life. when i wrote that song, i was writing about wanting to be in a relationship and not having to have a job. i know plenty of people who would want that, both men and women. i have no doubt there are plenty of straight men out there who would like to have a significant other and not have to be the breadwinner in the relationship, even if they're afraid to admit it. so i don't see why "housewife" can't be a song that appeals to all types of people.

on the question of pronouns: just because i don't disguise male pronouns in some of my songs doesn't make them "gay" songs. when lisa loeb sings, no one says she's singing about "being straight" or about "straight issues." she's singing about LIFE, and LOVE, and RELATIONSHIPS, regardless of the pronouns she uses. just like when seal performs, or beyoncé -- they are singing about human experiences we can all relate to. no one says they are singing about "being black" or about "life as a black person."

regarding the song "Relax Your Necks" that i wrote with Margaret Cho about giving head: when LL Cool J does a song about eating pussy, no one says that is a song about being STRAIGHT or about STRAIGHT sex. it's just a song about SEX. period. i have no problem listening to LL Cool J talk about fucking chicks, and relating it to my own sexual life and desires and impulses.

the bottom line is this: we're all basically the same and go through the same things, and pronouns and gender have nothing to do with that. if you can't see through pronouns in a song, you're....well, kind of stupid. i have never had trouble relating to a man singing about a woman, or a woman sing about a man. people are people. don't be so simple-minded. it's a trap that both gay & straight people fall into, and it strengthens the childish and ridiculous boundaries between all people for whatever minor differences we may have.

obviously i have a lot to say on this topic. i have complex and passionate feelings about it that i find difficult to articulate, and that's why this response is so wordy. it is an obnoxious issue that i face every single day of my professional life, and it is the biggest obstacle i face toward being taken seriously as a musician and as a person. i am sick of being pushed into the gay corner, by gay people just as much or moreso than people who are not gay. it sucks. i want my life and my work to be more than that.

besides, who the hell can get behind a cause that uses a rainbow and a pink triangle as their icons? are you serious? [and yes, i know the history of the pink triangle...all the more reason to abandon it. but that's just me.] if the gay flag were a cool, collected black & grey plaid or something...maybe i could stomach playing a few pride festivals.

i'm tired

2009-01-27T00:01:00.001-05:00

from opals to pearls

2009-01-12T00:22:00.000-05:00

there is no jury duty without ambien.

the seahorse song

2009-01-04T22:23:00.001-05:00

opal

2009-01-03T17:56:00.001-05:00

i'm not the only one who thinks Wickedpedia should be stopped

2008-12-17T23:30:00.010-05:00

click here: Conservative launches crusade against Wikipedia

"[Wikipedia is an] unreliable website run by political and social activists promoting their own agenda."

truer words were never spoken.

and i'll add that its "system for flagging content as inaccurate" is complete bullshit, as i've tried to correct trivial details in my own article many times (i'm talking straight up FACTS about my life -- not the "controversial" stuff), and yes -- even GRAMMAR and SPELLING mistakes -- and the revisions are ALWAYS reverted back to inaccuracy by whatever ulterior-motivated obsessive control freak is hawking over my article that month.

while we're on the subject, kids, don't believe everything you read in general. of even the few things that have been written about me, a good chunk of it misquotes or paraphrases the words that i've said, or completely takes them out of context. i'll go so far as to say i've seen printed articles about myself with quotes completely fabricated out of thin air...often by some editor who never interviewed me or even MET me in the first place.

most of it is unnoticeable or unimportant to the average reader. but to see people who don't know you at all portray you or your life or what you do to the public in a way you feel is inaccurate or miscommunicated is a truly strange sensation.

that's why i give it to you straight from the source when i can -- which isn't as easy as it sounds either. but that's a whole other blog entry.

i hate

2008-11-28T02:40:00.003-05:00

...how even the purest, cleanest, most amazingest of water tastes like poison after eating chunks of pineapple.

i'm like fucking Foreign Language Barbie

2008-10-27T10:42:00.002-04:00

français (french)

español (spanish)

italiano (italian)

deutsch (german)

português (portuguese)

norsk (norwegian)

svenska (swedish)

inga is my hero

2008-10-24T19:24:00.001-04:00

my favorite line is: "my mom sends me money, and everything's alright"

2:13 to 2:18 is pure heaven

my first madonna concert - athens, greece :)

2008-09-30T00:27:00.005-04:00

give her a goddamn cracker

2008-09-08T11:45:00.001-04:00

i can't focus

2008-09-06T10:13:00.002-04:00

why is the whole foods near my house staffed entirely of stunning puerto rican bodybuilders?

fuck the blue plate special, i want a cashier

making my marq

2008-08-12T03:29:00.004-04:00

paradise rock club // boston, ma // 07.11.08

9:30 club // washington, d.c. // 07.13.08

vinyl // atlanta, ga // 07.18.08

the loft // dallas, tx // 07.20.08

el rey // los angeles, ca // 07.22.08

bottom of the hill // san francisco, ca // 07.24.08

the triple door // seattle, wa // 07.26.08

lakeshore theatre // chicago, il // 07.28.08

omfg

2008-07-31T12:28:00.003-04:00

i

just

stepped

on

a

roach

with

my

bare

foot

and

i

can't

stop

hyperventilating

i

hate

my

life

ew

i

can

still

feel

it

wriggling

under

my

toes

please

let

me

die

"do not disturb" : open to interpretation?

2008-07-28T15:05:00.002-04:00

when i travel and have the chance to sleep late or stay in and rest or work, i generally like to do so.

i always keep my door chained and bolted or whatever the option may be so that housekeeping doesn't come barging in on me during my moments of solitude.

to enforce my wish for privacy, i ALWAYS hang the "do not disturb" sign on my door handle.

in fact, i almost always leave it on the door handle when the room is vacant, simply because i do not want my possessions rearranged or exposed to theft or damage by strangers, etc.

"do not disturb"

seems to me to be a pretty straightforward phrase.

why is it then that the front desk or housekeeping always calls me on the telephone (probably at the point they want to go home) to ask if i want housekeeping service?

i can't help but classify a telephone call from the very people i posted the virtual "KEEP OUT" sign for as a "disturbance."

i'm pretty sure they know what the sign means and who the message is addressed to. they did in fact spend the money to have the sign printed and left a copy of it in my room for my convenient use.

so where's the confusion happening?

what i'm trying to say is: leave me the fuck alone.

theenks!

jay

my first collaboration

2008-07-25T15:03:00.001-04:00

"relax your necks" by jay brannan & margaret cho

"croissant" by chris o'gorman

2008-07-17T23:11:00.002-04:00

if this is what a croissant tastes like, i'll take two.

shut it, mary warren!

2008-07-17T18:04:00.002-04:00

ok

so...some of you may know that i am currently on tour (the "fat is a feeling, not a shape" tour)

and i'm flying to atlanta tomorrow to do a show there tomorrow night (a place called Vinyl - be there)

well...i had "silver medallion" status on Delta Air Lines but have come to despise that company so much that i only fly them when absolutely necessary...and i have taken all my business to Continetal (whenever possible).

well (again), i FINALLY just made elite status on Continental Air Lines, and i just got upgraded to first class for my flight tomorrow!!!!!

i know i sound like total Texas white trash (i am) who's never been on a plane or whatever, but this will be my first time ever flying first class!!!!

i've finally arrived. i'm like...rose dewitt bukater.

watch me die on the AirTrain on the way to the airport or something.

lol. why was this paragraph in my wikipedia article?

2008-07-04T09:23:00.002-04:00

"An outspoken advocate for victims of CFS ("Chronic Fatigue Syndrome"), he has received numerous awards from various charities for his tireless work on behalf of victims of the disease. In a tragic irony, he was recently diagnosed with CFS himself. Speaking candidly in an interview with Maury Pouvich about his diagnosis, he inspired fans and other victims with his positive attitude and his wise words, "I may be tired but I'll never tire in the fight against CFS."

that's how ludicrous this wikipedia site is. i only found out about this because someone asked about my support of the CFS cause in an interview. haha

i actually love this paragraph. i wish it were true.

ok, hi

2008-07-03T20:03:00.002-04:00

why is swiffer wet the most amazing smell on earth?

someone is totally using it on my floor right now, i can smell it a mile away

berries & mango

2008-06-02T18:46:00.002-04:00

...from whole foods

blueberries, rasperries, blackberries, strawberries, and mango in a cup

who knew you could have this much pleasure without a shitload of fat?

track list

2008-05-18T02:20:00.004-04:00

hey so i guess i never thought about announcing it really, but a lot of people have been asking what the track list is for my new album, so here it is:

1. can't have it all
2. half-boyfriend
3. american idol
4. a death waltz
5. at first sight
6. housewife
7. goddamned
8. home
9. bowlegged & starving
10. on all fours
11. string-a-long song

the album, entitled goddamned, was produced by will golden (who produced meiko's album <---if you haven't heard of her, buy the whole album -- it's sooooo good. and i don't like much of anything.)

goddamned will be available worldwide on july 1 (digitally) and july 15 (the actual CD). you can pre-order the thing now by clicking here.

a taste of brazil

2008-05-05T02:14:00.026-04:00

hey! it's not so much that i've been lazy about blogging recently, as things have just been a little crazy.

one of the things that kept me busy in the past month was an amazing trip to porto alegre, brazil. thanks to my new friend bernardo and all of his coworkers at the usina do gasômetro, i had the opportunity to play a show there and to present a screening of shortbus.

so now that i'm back home in new york and waiting for my laundry to dry, i figured i should post a few pictures.

apparently brazilians like their espresso with a little shot of jesus. this is a latte i had at the airport, and the cup reads: "good jesus coffee." i suppose even miracle workers need their caffeine in the morning.

some porto alegre skyline. i'm terrified of heights and could hardly stand on bernardo's terrace long enough to snap this photo.

i've been very lucky in the past couple of years to have the opportunity to see some different parts of the world. and in all of my travels, one thing is consistent around the world: disgust with the american government.

how is it that every single country on earth sees what the majority of americans cannot? come on U.S.A., wake the fuck up. and while you're at it, learn spanish or something. you're embarrassing me.

aesthetically, porto alegre isn't what most people think of when they hear the word "brazil." there are no beaches or jungles, but here is a view of the river from the terrace of the usina.

brazil...or amsterdam?

this picture reminds me of standing in the southern tip of central park and seeing the buildings of manhattan over the trees.

a busy street in downtown porto alegre

they eat more red meat in brazil than they do in texas. this is me eating my favorite meal in porto alegre at gambrinus in the market downtown. i generally don't eat much beef, but i have to admit this was the best steak i have ever had.

"just give me the fucking camera"

a square downtown. note that the building in the background stole its design from my website. i don't mind, since i'll probably have jaybrannan.com redesigned soon anyway, and this way the gear motif will live on somewhere.

this ice cream was mad good. they didn't know the english word for the yellow flavor, and kept trying to tell me we didn't have it in america. we looked it up later and it was "passionfruit." i was like "bitch we fucking have passionfruit in america," and then i Z-snapped.

even cats in brazil aspire to be supermodels like the brazilian icon gisele. this anorexic kitty hasn't eaten in days. i wish i had her willpower.

AND FINALLY...i always get excited when i'm at someone else's house and they have a real piano. and when i sat down to play, i saw that my friend pedro had the actual sheet music for the super mario bros. nintendo game theme song!!! i almost died. this is me trying really hard to play it without having ever looked at it before.

album schmalbum

2008-03-27T00:18:00.003-04:00

jesus christ you guys, this is really fucking hard.

i have to say that making an album is really frustrating and difficult.

from the years it took to write the songs, and the experiences behind them, to recording them, to the engineering processes they go through afterwards. from writing a bio of your life story and summing up who you are as an artist in a one-page MS word document, to trying to get the right photos and figure out how to package the album, and how and when to let it out into the world -- all with a budget of like $10 and not a lot of time.

i have learned a shitload from this process, but at the same time i will admit to being anxious to the point of vomiting nearly every step of the way

i have such a hard time making decisions, and i am so obsessive to the point of extreme discomfort regarding all the details and decisions of everyday life, much less something that i have poured so much passion and effort and agony into, and something that will technically probably outlive me (here's hoping i don't live past 35).

i want so badly for it to be something i am proud of, because i have put everything i have into these songs, this album, and getting to the point where people are willing to help me make it and distribute it.

i am still working my dayjob since i have put all my savings into making this album, which is just another energy drainer and time sink.

i am doing my best to believe this will work out in a way i can be happy with, but i feel like i'm trapped at the top of a broken roller coaster, and to get down i have to make the necessary repairs. but i don't have the knowledge or the tools, and no one from the ground below can hear me screaming or even bothers to look up.

wait, is that a quote from titanic?

soda SHOP...it's soda fucking SHOP!!!

2008-03-15T02:56:00.001-04:00

i really hate when people call my song "soda pop"

like, why does EVERYONE make that mistake?

i never ever once use the phrase "soda pop" anywhere in the song

it's soda SHOP

SHOP!

soda SHOP!!!

how hard is it?

clarification

2008-03-12T01:24:00.001-04:00

my greatest accomplishment to date

2008-02-14T03:21:00.009-05:00

so now that i'm 25, i'm finally old enough to rent a car, right?

and with all the traveling i've been doing this year, i've actually had to RENT a few cars...and try to remember how to drive them. which is mildly nerve-wracking

but it turns out driving really is kind of a skill you don't lose. like gymnastics (yes, i can still do backflips).

after being in L.A. for only a week, i'm already a pro -- i can send text messages, check email, and use google maps on Tonya Nader (my blackberry...has a name) while on the road (if any police are reading this, please don't give me a ticket. also, i don't recommend using your mobile device while driving as it will probably cause me to have a wreck and die soon if not kill someone else. DON'T DO IT! DON'T! i'll stop too.)

but i have to say, there was one thing i really didn't think i'd remember how to do and it's had me waking up in cold sweats for weeks in anticipation. however, as it turns out...I CAN STILL PARALLEL PARK!!! that shit is hard, yo. especially in a rental. when you own a car, the dimensions of the car become extensions of yourself after awhile. you instictively know how far your car extends on all sides, and how much room you have. not with a rental, ladies & gentleman. not with a rental.

i was so impressed with myself, i took pictures so there could be no doubt as to whether or not this truly happened.

as long as we're on the topic of L.A., i'm so allergic to the air here. i've spent the whole week with swollen sinuses and a sore throat. this place is soooo dry & toxic! tell me whyee.

i'm staying with my best friend brent and his boyfriend vin. brent's mom is the modern equivalent of a witch doctor (midwestern housewife with internet access), and she is ultimately the reason i have medicated q-tips up my nose.

finally...why does this web page exist?

how cute is this?

2008-02-03T05:29:00.001-05:00

my first kiss totally sucked

it like...wasn't even a kiss.

i was terrified.

it was like...yesterday.

i wish i were one of these kids, they're all so adorable

dear wikipedia

2008-02-02T05:35:00.000-05:00

from jay brannan:

i do NOT want to be included on wikipedia. i don't want to learn your protocols for editing and deletion and discussion. i don't have the time or interest.

this article "jay brannan" started out as people talking shit about me. it was removed and blocked a few times, and then eventually became something of a mini bio filled with ALL wrong information, which i have tried to correct over the past year and it still constantly changes by people who think they know what they are talking about. i can't constantly come back to this page to verify accuracy and to have my identity and labels forced on me by others.

i don't care how people represent me on personal sites. but wikipedia is presented to the public as if it were a fact-based encyclopedia, when that is not at all the case. i don't want my personal and professional self being portrayed in ways that complete strangers have decided on in a forum that is viewed by the world as a fact-based encyclopedia.

as to my continually deleting the phrase "who is openly gay" (with REFERENCE?! who publicly -- and in a so-called "encylopedia" no less -- attempts to PROVE someone's sexuality?! how weird is that) -- i hate when my sexuality is sewn to my very name as if it were on my birth certificate, particularly when it is completely unrelated to the ensuing paragraph.

further, i don't want photos i own the copyrights to being displayed on this site.

please save me this headache by taking me off this site and keep it forever blocked.

i hate wikipedia

thanks

jay

hi, nuggets!

2008-01-25T16:31:00.001-05:00

just wanted to say thanks again to everyone in los angeles, vancouver, and toronto who came to my shows in the past week

i had such a fun trip and am looking forward to returning home (although i will miss sleeping in real size beds once i'm back home in my twin bed with a mattress that feels like an x-ray pad)

i am sitting in the toronto airport (where i arrived about 3.5 hours before my flight), and my back hurts and i have to pee really bad, but i don't want to get up for fear of losing the outlet i am sitting next to on the floor (powering the very laptop that is bringing you this thrilling post)

farewell canada, and hope to see you again soon!

xojay

p.s. i think i lost about 5 lbs. on this trip -- i'd say that's progress. the best part of traveling (besides the queen- & king-sized beds) is definitely the weight loss. worst part? rental cars.

hi from vancouver!

2008-01-22T05:44:00.001-05:00

eh?

fucking amazing perfectness

2008-01-09T04:27:00.001-05:00

i know most of you have probably seen this by now, but if you haven't, you haven't lived.

and then, once you've watched the video above (you HAVE to watch that one first), this one is even better:

i love to complain

2008-01-06T17:27:00.001-05:00

and there really is so much in this world to complain about.

but something popped into my head just now as i'm sitting here at my dayjob wishing i were dead, and i thought i would see if i am the only one plagued by this particular phenomenon.

why the fuck is it that EVERY single time i am on a flight...and it never fails, ever...i'm sitting there trying to relax and get used to the fact that i am trapped for hours in a tiny compartment that was designed specifically to cut off circulation in all 5 of my limbs, when all of a sudden an all-too-familiar tune filters its way through the general loud hum of the plane's engines and the gale-force outside winds.

supermarioland.

or whatever the gameboy version of super mario brothers was called.

some selfish little bitch kid with asshole parents is playing a gameboy with the music on as high as it will go. not only in public, but in an enclosed airplane. and i have to sit there for an entire flight being driven crazy by the annoying song and visualizing each level as the music changes, like its some sort of modern version of chinese water torture.

like -- where do these people come from? my parents would have MURDERED me if i were not wearing headphones while playing a video game on an airplane...or better yet, playing with the sound off.

it just truly shocks me. it shocks me that i am the only one who seems to be losing his mind over it. and that the flight attendants don't grab these gameboys and smash them on the overhead compartemnt lids. cuz that's what i feel like doing.

it's bad enough that we can't stuff paper in the screaming mouths of babies, but video game noise pollution -- THIS we can control. so why don't we?

like those people that think it's okay to choose a ringtone on the subway. DO YOU REALLY THINK THAT EVERYONE ELSE ON THE TRAIN WANTS TO SIT THROUGH EVERY SINGLE RINGTONE ON YOUR PHONE OVER AND OVER AND OVER?!

i know i should be used to it by now, but i guess i just can't get over how many people in this world are 100% self-oriented, and that no one has ever taught them otherwise.

p.s. i haven't slept in 5 days

bye!

blair jay

2007-12-16T03:01:00.000-05:00

eurotour 07

2007-12-08T11:31:00.000-05:00

hi! so i'm back and have had a few days to catch up from a week of FOUR performances in london & paris. i had sooo much fun and i wanna thank everyone again for coming to the shows...

this was a reaaaallly busy trip, so i didn't have much time for taking pictures, but here's just a few:

london's king's cross station was lit up all pretty for the "holidays." it was way prettier than my camera was able to capture, but... since i stood there for 3 minutes looking like a dumb tourist taking a picture of the train terminal, you're gonna look at it goddammit it. i tried finding the wall concealing platform 9 and 3/4, but no luck.

okay, london, what are we eating here?

i ran into harry potter at a pub!!!!!! he's had LASIK eye surgery since doing the books & movies, and--i figured he didn't want to discuss it--but it appears he's had plastic surgery as well (to remove the lightning bolt scar). also, he's going by "rob" now...to maintain his anonymity on the streets one would assume.

the barfly!!! the venue where i played my second & biggest show in london. people were fucking in the back. i'm serious -- fucking. don't believe me? terra naomi has it on tape. i couldn't have asked for a better response to my first time performing in london. hi, mom!

i was literally in paris for about 4.5 seconds, but i just HAD to take a picture of this. know what "preservatif" means? condom. that's right -- they sell fucking condoms IN the metro stations in paris. i love it. truth is, both the paris metro & the london underground were packed with some of the most beautiful men you have ever seen...i'm glad the government recognizes that and helps its citizens to be prepared.

i miss you europe!! i'll be back soon. do me a favor though -- try to have some restaurants open after 10 p.m. ("22:00h" in europese)...and look, SOMEWHERE to eat during the hours of 3 p.m. & 6 p.m. wouldn't kill anyone. some of us do get hungry during those times. oh -- and on sundays. restaurant hours on sundays...yeah.

oh my fucking god

2007-11-28T18:53:00.000-05:00

never again as long as i live

britain be damned for this

jay & terra LIVE in london

2007-11-28T06:56:00.000-05:00

so here i am in london. it's the morning after & my first two "euroshows" were sooo much fun. i can't thank everyone enough who came out to support me my first time out here. all 100 copies of "disasterpiece" that i brought disappeared pretty quickly...so for those of you that didn't/can't get a copy, i just might have to make a second series that will be available online...stay tuned as i ponder that idea.

meanwhile, many of you know terra naomi from youtube & her live shows. i covered her song "say it's possible," and we've exchanged a few emails. well, last night terra & i met up here in london where she currently lives, and terra joined me at Barfly to sing "say it's possible" together at the show. here's a video of our chance to rehearse the song for about 10 minutes before going on, as well as the live performance.

thanks to terra for singing with me and it was really cool getting to hang out. oh -- go buy her album "under the influence." NOW!

my favorite song by her: "the vicodin song."